** SPOILERS INCLUDED **
For my first blog I’m going to be talking about the most disappointing movies of the past decade. By disappointing, I mean movies that were hyped liked crazy and then epically failed. There were plenty of bad movies to go around the last ten years but these were suppose to be the good ones. Enjoy.
10. Hulk (2003)
Before Edward Norton, there was Eric Bana. Eric Bana was the Hulk that does battle in the dark so no one can see him, not even the audience. I remember straining my eyes in the theater, trying desperately to see what was going on and having zero luck. I don’t remember a lot about this film, only that I hated it. I know that’s a horrible review-type-thing, but I didn’t want to watch it again and take the chance that I might hang myself.
9. Alexander (2004)
Aside from two of the coolest battle scenes in recent film history, Alexander fell short of the bar. This movie may have not disappointed people as much as it did me but this is my list and not yours. What can we say about the greatest military leader and ruler of the known world in his time? He cried a lot and his mother was way too young and way too attracted to him. Many people bash the fact that multiple scenes show him as being homosexual and fornicating with men. I don’t mind this because it’s supposed to be an accurate depiction of the time and his life, however, once is enough. We get it! None of the characters were really developed beyond the point of wanting to get it on with Alexander. But I would recommend watching it if you like epic battles. Two awesome one’s in this film.
8. Bruno (2009)
I love Borat. It tackled almost ever discriminatory and prejudice issue of our time, all while being completely HILARIOUS! Guerrilla filmmaking at its best. Unfortunately this review is for Bruno. I felt as though Bruno was trying WAY to hard to be controversial. It was in fact controversial but no one cared. Supposedly the film was trying to face the stigma of homophobia but I think it had the opposite effect. There was no storyline, the film just seemed to jump from one situation to the next and none of it seemed to fit together. Sacha Baron Cohen doesn’t seem to realize that people can recognize him now, even through his very inconspicuous “costumes.” On a side note- beware of the giant talking penis.
7. Planet of the Apes (2001)
The movie was resolved by a little monkey landing a spaceship in the middle of the Ape battlefield. Nuff said.
6. Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
I kept waiting for the climax in this movie but it never came. I was kind of shocked when the credits rolled. Overall, the film was aesthetically pleasing; unfortunately it was just plain boring. But I mean really, how many movies can you make where the same hero kills the same villain in every movie? Evidently like seven. Two was enough for me. Mr. Voldemort, please just die already!
5. Watchmen (2009)
X-Men 3 in slow motion! Didn’t care about the characters, didn’t care about the story. Basically I didn’t care about this movie. It was visually beautiful, unfortunately not much happened in that beautiful world. Rorschach, the only character I kind of liked, was murder by the so-called “heroes” of the film, more specifically, by the man who’s blue wiener I had to look at one too many times.
4. G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra (2009)
G.I. Joe, one of the most beloved cartoons from my childhood became one of the most disappointing movies of adulthood. I was so pumped for this movie….. until I saw the trailer. As soon as I saw weird robotic suites jumping over cars and acting like Superman I knew this movie was doomed. This movie was a mix of over the top action, sub-caliber acting and then some horrible dialogue to top it off. All-in-all this movie was like watching the live action version of Team America minus all the F-bombs. Save the world by blowing it up. And who knew that Stephen Sommers liked to blow more things up than Michael Bay? Aside from all the bad, something you might enjoy from the movie is that it does have ninjas in it. Ninjas are cool.
3. X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
New title for X-Men 3 - “All the Important X-Men Die in the First 5 minutes So Halle Berry Could Get Some More Dialogue.” This movie may entertain you if you don’t follow the comics… MAYBE. I think the other 99% of planet earth is with me though, and this movie sucked. First of all, how do you kill off Professor Xavier AND Cyclops?... In the first 5 minutes?!?! I mean was there not ONE X-Men fan working on the screenplay for this thing? I think all of us fans were pissed from the very beginning, but we all stuck around with hope that maybe it was just trickery or witchcraft and they would return for the end. But no… it never came, and we were left with nothing but $10 less in our pocket. Second of all, the whole phoenix storyline was my least favorite plotline from the comics. That may have made me biased and skeptical to begin with but oh well, it happens. I would like to thank Bryan Singer for screwing us all over and making Superman Returns. Why Bryan?
2. Spider-man 3 (2007)
Midnight show here I come! Spider-man 3! Venom! Green Goblin! Sandman! OWNED! Too many villains. Absolutely no character development. Horribly cast. Topher Grace is the exact opposite of what Eddie Brock is suppose to be. Eddie Brock is suppose to be buff and like on steroids. Topher Grace is… well…. he’s not that. But being a hardcore Spider-man fan, I could have dealt with all that and still enjoyed the movie. BUT. Sam Raimi would not allow it. His definition of an evil Spider-man was a comb over, hitting on beautiful women and believe it or not…… a choreographed dance routine. I could write an entire blog on why I hate this movie, but I won’t because you already know. Nothing says “owned” like leaving the theater at 3 AM and having to go to work the next day, knowing you lost good sleep and money for something you almost peed your pants to see a few hours ago. This was very close to being my #1 on this list.
1. Indiana Jones & The Crystal Skull (2008)
Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford, together again for another Indiana Jones sequel. An unending budget and directed by one of the best in the biz. This couldn’t possibly go wrong. But it did. Plot—Indiana and Mutt aka Pony Boy battle the Soviets for control of a crystal skull. This is no ordinary crystal skull, no sir. It is one of however many skulls of an ancient alien race from another dimension and they also happen to be psychic. How clever… This stinks of George Lucas. If this movie wasn’t called Indiana Jones, no one would have been there. That is a ridiculous plot. RIDICULOUS. As I sat in the theater for this movie, I could feel the audience getting uneasy as the film progressed. Everyone was waiting for the “awesomeness” that they remembered from Indiana Jones. However, I think we all came to the realization that this wasn’t going to be what we thought at the exact same time. I pray that there was some hidden, deep, metaphorical statement being made by Mr. Spielberg that was over my head because this scene took the air right of the theater. Yeah you guessed it… Shia LaBeouf swinging through the trees with a bunch of monkeys. Idk. I love Spielberg but he might want to leave this off his filmography. I picked this movie as the #1 most disappointing movie of the decade because there was such a large fan base for this franchise. Millions of disappointed people. Try harder Hollywood….. please try harder.
